When you have kids, there you’ll find out that there are 3 kinds of people in the world: those who want to hang out with you despite the fact that you have kids, those who want to hang out with you due to the fact that you have kids, and those who don’t want to hang out. Obviously, there is a problem with these groups: two of them still want to hang out.
The upside is that Group 2 is babysitter material. When someone says to me, “It’s been so long! I gotta see that baby!” I tell them to come over right away and put cash and delivery menus on the dining room table. When they walk in the front door and see this tableau, our relationship is clear: You work for me and don’t eat anything from the fridge.
But what to do about Group 1? The group that wants to see you and maybe you want to see them but your priorities have shifted and you’re just never going to be up for it?
Part 1: The Basics
Oh Damn, My Kid is Sick.
As basic as it gets, just tell people your kid is sick. Nobody knows. What are they checking your receipts? If you’re not using this one already it’s time to take a look at yourself in the mirror and face the fact that you are not equipped to have children.
Listen, I Don’t Want to be That Parent but My Kid MIGHT be Sick.
If the reason you’re not using excuse number 1 is that you think you’ll get caught in a lie, just tell a different lie! Kids get sick all the time, and you honestly never know when they might actually be sick and you just don’t know. Plus if it turns out that your excuse was bullshit, people will actually be happy for you!
My Kid Got Me Sick
Besides the fact that this is probably true at any given time, it has the bonus of having been employed by so many parents over so many years that people genuinely think having children is equivalent to adopting equatorial mosquitos, they are annoying and they move fast and they will make you shit liquids.
Part 2: Advanced Avoision Techniques
We Have This Thing
You can probably stop right there, but if you feel the need to ramble on just say something like, “It’s a kid from my kid’s school, and there’s like this, parent, who I don’t like, but the kids get along. Anyway, you know.”
What makes this an advanced technique is the complete lack of specifics. Technically, you have said nothing that is untrue: “Thing” could refer to literally anything, and even though we’ve never met I can tell you that your kid’s friend at school has parents you don’t like.
This is My Chance to Get Some Sleep
If you’re more into taking the “I am pathetic” route for your excuses, this is a classic. Parents don’t get a lot of sleep, everyone knows this. And parents talk about how they don’t get any sleep almost as much as vegans talk about being vegan (cheap shot, but I haven’t had a lot of sleep). Sure, if you use this excuse you’ll be lying (you’re never going to get a chance to get some sleep), but at least your friends will think you are weak.
MELTDOWN
Why isn’t this in the first section, isn’t this the most classic parental excuse of all time? Maybe so, but has some downsides. First, if this person is over 30, they might call you on the phone, and then you have to be prepared to make your kid cry in the background for this to go off.
You also run the risk of people thinking you have a terrible child. Now, that will definitely mean fewer invites in the future, so in some ways that’s a bonus. But part of the push/pull of parenting is wanting everyone to love your kid, but also never spending time with anyone. This one comes down to personal preference, you can do that thing where nobody sees you for five years because of your angry baby and then you come back out of nowhere with this low key kid and everyone’s like, “How’d they do that?!” Or you can do what I do and insist that everyone praise your baby, but then withhold. Up to you.
DANGER: HIGHLY ADVANCED ANTISOCIAL TIP AHEAD
Don’t use this tip. I haven’t used it, I don’t want you to use it. But if you have especially persistent friends and you just don’t know how to make them stop asking you to hang out, here it is.
Attend a group social gathering. Bring your baby and your friend. Ask your friend to hold the baby for a minute while you go to the bathroom. Start a timer for 45 minutes and do not return until it goes off. Go mingle in the party. You don’t want your friend to see you or they’ll return the baby, but you do want your friend to find out you were mixing it up while they were watching your child.
You will not hear from this person again.
