You’re probably thinking, “Listen, I’m going to name my kid whatever I want, because a name is just a word that means something.” Great insight, idiot. You need this how to guide more than anyone.

What’s in a name? 

Most names are just a series of letters arranged to make a word that sounds different from how it looks, thereby growing your character by making you speak up for yourself when someone pronounces it wrong.  For instance, my name is spelled T-O-M, but it’s pronounced “Ugh” as in “Ugh, will you please stop making all that noise?” Or, “Buddy” as in “We’re closed, Buddy. I can’t sell you a pizza no matter how loud you bang on the glass.”

What I’m saying is, nobody cares what your name is, least of all people in the service industry. But you know what? You better care what your child’s name is, because you’re going to be saying it a lot. 

Methods for Choosing a Name

Method 1: Family

Some people like to choose a family name for their child. This can be a lot of fun! Think of all the times someone’s said, “Holy shit I can’t believe Aunt Estelle thinks she’s welcome in this house after last Thanksgiving!” And now imagine that same person saying, “Oh my God, Estelle, you are so cute I love you so much!” all while Aunt Estelle stands in the background and wonders why nobody says that to her anymore, was it something she said? 

She’ll never know. 

But there are other, non-hurtful reasons to name your child after a family member. Maybe you know somebody who died and you want to be reminded of your grief at all times, even in your happiest, most present moments. Maybe you want your child to grow up knowing that they’ll never be half the man that Uncle Antonio was. He was a real man, back in the days when real men handled their business the old fashioned way: racist mobs! Maybe you just don’t want to think too hard about it, so you just name your child after yourself (more on this later). 

Method 2: Nation or Culture of Origin

I’m Irish-American, but have I ever been to Ireland? Yes. But do I actually KNOW anybody who’s Irish. Yes, a few. Ah, but do I have any good reason to give my child a traditional Irish name? No, nobody does. 

“But what if I want to honor my forebears?” you may ask, whinily. Well, if you have a specific forebear in mind, please see Method 1: Family. If not, what are you even talking about? Those people hated Ireland so much they got on a ridiculously unseaworthy craft and crossed an entire ocean so they could live in New England, the birthplace of gloom. You think they want a bunch of American kids to walk around with unpronounceable names? You think your kid is going to go back to the mother land and people are going to throw their arms around them and say “Faith and begorrah, Caoimhe (pronounced “Jacob”), you’ve come back to us after all this time!”? They will not.

Method 3: Euphony

Does the first name sound nice with the last name? That’s a good reason to pick a baby name. I’ve read that if the first and last name are alphabetical it tends to ring nicely upon the ear. For example: Bill Clinton, Bob Corker, Billy Corgan, Billy the Ckid. So if your last name is, say Bath, name your daughter Anita Bath. Or if your last name is Bone, name your daughter Anita Bone. Or if your last name is Dickenme, name your daughter C. Anita Dickenme.

Method 4: Use a Word That’s Not a Name

Apple. 

Method 5: Use an Existing Name, but Change it

Also known as the George RR Martin method, this method let’s you create a name that will make people do a double take to see if it’s real. Edward becomes Eddard. Caitlin becomes Catelyn. Joseph becomes Jaeharys.  

Try it yourself, it’s easy! Take a regular name like Jennifer. Then change it subtly so it’s cool and unique, like Conifer. Or take a boy’s name like Andrew and make something new and fun, like Flandrew.  Or take a gender neutral name like Sam and make it exciting, like Shram.

Method 6: Just some letters

Chantosim. Flebnar. Regildoplat. Croob. 

Method 7: Give the Baby Your Name

This is the stupidest way to name your baby. This is like if you started calling spoons “forks” in honor of other forks. Now anytime someone asks for a spoon you have to say which kind? That’s a pain!

I guess it’s more like if you got a tiny person to live with you and you told them they had to measure up to you in every way and then maybe they don’t and they’re sad, or maybe they’re better than you and you’re sad, or maybe you both suck and it’s sad.  

Bottom line, I’m going to do this one because I like to personalize all my stuff. 

Method 8: Let Me Do It. 

Let me know in the comments what sex your baby is going to have (or be) and what the due date is and I will name your baby. The only fee I charge is that you trust me to do my job. Bring the name to hospital, put it on the birth certificate. 

If you can prove that your baby has the name I gave it, and that you are using it on a daily basis, you will win the grand prize of receiving one (1) anonymous tip to Child Protective Services. Good luck!