So you’re having a baby or whatever. Good for you. You know what, everyone alive was a baby, so please don’t think that your baby is special, because if that’s true then so is everyone else on the planet, and that’s just ridiculous. You think all those reality show people are special? No. They are not.

BUT YOUR BABY IS SPECIAL! First of all, it’s yours, so of course it means a lot to you. Also, it’s going to have your grandfather’s eyes or something, so that’ll be great! You want to tell all your friends about it, but you can’t do it too early. Everyone says you can’t do it too early, so don’t do it too early.  

How early is too early? 

Anytime before the baby’s 9th birthday is too early.  

Won’t people notice I have a child by then? 

Only your #realfriends

How do people have baby showers if they wait until age 9? 

Baby showers are a cultural phenomenon, there's nothing about having a baby that requires you to have a shower. Do we really celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas? Do we really stop cutting down trees on Arbor Day? Do two people actually become one in Holy Matrimony at a wedding? Christmas is run by Walmart, trees are murdered en masse everyday of the year, and two people cannot become one except in some kind of human centipede scenario with only two people...a human...spider...thing. 

But I need things for my baby, and I can’t afford them. 

You should have thought of that before you obeyed the basic biological urge that has successfully produced all complex life on Earth.

Nah, man. I’m going to tell people and get stuff.

Fine! But what if you tell people and then...something happens? 

Whoa, whoa! Something bad? Like what? 

Nothing, man. Nothing bad could happen...right? 

OK, maybe we’ll wait a little longer.  

LIke until the baby is born. Nothing bad can happen after that, right? 

What do you mean? 

I’m just saying.

Are you trying to scare me?

Nah, you’re fine. Just know that shower or none, this advice column is the sum total of gifts you’re going to get from me. 

Pretty lame... 

You know it. 

But then eventually the tests come through and if they’re good then we can tell people, right?

But do you want people to know the sex? Do YOU want to know the sex? 

I’m just going to tell people now. 

That’s fine. Use it as a friendship test. If you have a 2-year-old that nobody's ever met that really says a lot about your friends, don’t you think?

Do you even have any friends? 

Not by that definition, no.