Why do they call it a baby moon? The baby’s not doing anything. The parents are paying, the parents are traveling, they should call it a parentmoon! 

RIP Jerry Seinfeld. 

Any excuse to take a vacation is a good one, even if you have a stupid name for it and 50% of the people on vacation can’t drink and get tired easily and have trouble climbing in and out of your rental Jeep Wrangler. So just go already!

Places to Babymoon

I guess it depends on how pregnant you are, collectively. At the time of my babymoon, my wife and I were 25% pregnant (she was about 50% pregnant and I was, and continue to be, 0% pregnant). Given the relatively low pregnancy level we shared, we elected to be swept up in a family vacation to Hawaii that we had no choice but to go on because it was with family and they don’t respect our right to decline. Not that we would have! I put on my seatbelt because it’s good for me and I want to, but also it’s illegal not to and not doing it increases my likelihood of receiving grievous injuries.

WE WERE VERY LUCKY TO GO TO HAWAII, EVERYONE. 

But maybe going on a plane to a humid place where all fish is raw and all mosquitoes are hungry is not your idea of a relaxing escape from reality. Sure, you’re entitled to your opinion, but here are the places that I am choosing to send you. 

Hawaii with My Wife’s Family

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t know any of those people! What’s your wife’s name?  I came here for advice I can use from a Serious Dad, not nonsense of a Non-Serious Dad!” Well, sir or madam, I saw a sitcom where a character took a creative writing class where he was told to write what he knows, to hilarious consequences. So kindly sit back, relax, and learn from my experience.

When you arrive at LAX, you will be tempted to buy a $16 bagel from Wolfgang Puck, but it will not be worth the money no matter how much stringy salmon they put on it.  

What should you do with my wife’s family once you’re in Hawaii? Why, the same things I did! Take a chocolate tour and eat at a luau and buy some onesies that say things in Hawaiian that you hope are not obscene. It’s a great time! 

Other Suggestions

Go somewhere cheaper, like the county seat. People don’t spend a lot of time talking about their county seat except to say “that does not sound good” or “where is it?” But what they’re not realizing is that the seat of your county can be an exciting, interesting place if you live in Clark County, Nevada. 

Just Take Some Time Off Work and Do Nothing

This is what I’m talking about. Imagine, if you will: a timer running down to its last few ticks, after which you will take a lot of time off work, but there will be a baby in your home and you won’t be able to watch all the violent entertainment that an adult brain needs. Sure, you could watch Brawl in Cell Block 99  with your baby on your lap, but what are you, insane? Do not do this.

Instead, take some time off work and watch  Brawl in Cell Block 99 the way it was meant to be seen, while 50% of the audience is pregnant. 

Or, if tales of violent men meeting violent ends all while under the threat of unnecessary surgery isn’t your thing, just take a few long weekends and look deeply into the eyes of your partner and keep in mind that soon you will be overtired and at each other’s throats and you’ll need the memory of this moment to remind you that you were once happy and that when the baby is grown up and leaves the house, you can be happy again. 

Or if you can’t get the time off work, just don’t do this thing that was made up by the travel industry to  make you spend money right before you do the most expensive thing you can do.