I, myself, am not pregnant, but I am very close to someone who is. Not right now, she’s at work making a living and I’m in a coffee shop listening to Flying Lotus; but in a metaphysical sense, we are very close. When she’s done at work, she’s going to be tired, and no wonder! She’s lugging around a whole kid plus a placenta and some other miscellania all day! 

Here is our conundrum: how do we maintain our friendships while she is so tired and cranky. It’s not easy to maintain the sunny disposition necessary for social interaction when you’re so tired and cranky and gassy. It’s enough to make you wonder, do people even want to be around you when you’re totally tired and cranky and gassy and judgy?  

You can’t think like that! Not when so much is on the line! Stay positive, idiot! If you start assuming ill will of your friends, then you’ll isolate yourself before they even find out how tired and cranky and gassy and judgy and whiney you’ve become!

You and your friends are going to have to cut each other a lot of slack for this to work. You have to assume that they still want to spend time with you, and they’ll have to accept that you are not going to come through for anything they ask you to do and that you’re going to cancel at the last minute over and over again and that you’re a picky eater now and you don’t like how you look so don’t ask us to go anywhere fancy.

That may sound unfair, especially when you consider that I am not pregnant, so my looks and appetite are the same as ever (surprisingly-good-considering-when-I-last-had-a-shower and bottomless, respectively), but what you may not appreciate is that it is my job to understand the mindset of my partner so deeply that I anticipate her every need. It is my responsibility, as the non-pregnant partner, to read even the smallest gesture like semaphore, so I know which kind of cracker to bring from the kitchen. Let me give some examples of thoughts I’ve been able to read in the last few weeks:

1. I hope Meghan Markle did not spend as much on that dress as I think she did.
2. It’s not ugly, it’s just not much to see. 
3. I wish this cheddar cheese was a little sharper.
4. Second dress was better, but still not great. 

Now that I’ve cleared myself of any charges that I am being unfair to my partner, making fun of her, or oversimplifying her character, it’s time to get into the meat of this post.

How to Keep Up with Non-Pregnant Friends

I guess I should begin by saying it’s probably in your best interest to just write off everyone who doesn’t have kids. Why? Because they’re probably already sick of your shit and they just haven’t found a way to tell you yet. 

An example: 

My friend had a birthday party. She’s been going through a rough time, and I told her that I would attend. I even texted that day to make a joke about how flakey people are in LA (How flakey are they? Listen something came up, I’ll tell you later). 

You can guess where this is going; not only did I not attend the party, I didn’t provide any heads up that I wouldn’t attend, and I’ve never spoken to her again. How did this happen? Well, my wife was exhausted and I couldn’t stand the guilt of going out without her while she stayed home and suffered. And also I just forgot to text, so that part’s just on me. BUT THE PRINCIPLE STANDS! 

So What, You Just Can’t Have Friends Anymore? 

No, there is still hope. Your friends might decide that they like you so much they’ll go the extra mile to make sure that you remain in touch. If you have such a friend, one who says to you, “I wish to remain friends, but I don’t know how since you’ve become so tired, cranky, gassy, judgy and flakey,” then do the right thing and direct them to this article, but not all the preceding bullshit, just the part below.

How to Remain Friends with a Pregnant Person, Even Though You, The Reader, Are Not Pregnant

Hi, friend. Thanks for taking the time to follow the link and scroll down this far. Let’s agree on a pass phrase so we can confirm that you’ve actually read this and didn’t just say that you did. When the person who sent you this says, “Hey, did you read that link I sent you?” You say, “What am I, some kind of bullshit fabricator?”  

Great, now that we’ve got the business out of the way, let’s talk about how to stay friends with your idiot friend who decided they just have to procreate. Didn’t they see the Thanos movie? There are too many living things already! 

Well, it’s probably too late and you can’t just snap your fingers and make all your friends be in college again drinking on weeknights and hooking up with everyone in their circle of friends, even though that’s totally a weird way to live.

So what do you do to stay friends? Well, you’ll probably have to make a lot of effort, and be ready to spend a lot of nights sitting in your friend’s home talking about what it’s like to be tired, and how you really don’t know anything about tired since you’re not doing the same thing they’re doing. 

Look it’s not going to be fun, after the kid is born you’ll have to hang out with them, too, which is like, the worst. They can’t do anything cool, they don’t know any of your inside jokes, they can’t help you move, what the hell are they for? New parents will be quick to remind their child-disliking friends that we were all children once, but what they forget is that who cares? Once you’re not a child anymore it quickly becomes uncouth to have an abiding interest in children. It’s suspicious. Just move on.

You know what? Just between you and me (don’t show this part to your pregnant friend), this is not going to be worth they effort you put into it. They’re gonna talk about their kid and try to bring it everywhere and be like, we’re not like those other parents, but they are. The only parents who aren’t like those other parents are irresponsible parents who will leave their children with an unreasonable amount of autonomy. I once attended a party where I found myself alone in a room with a friend’s 3-year-old child who had decided to end her life by walking into a lit fireplace. I counciled her that she had so much to live for, but she spit on the floor and threw a cracker at me. When the parents returned, nobody asked me if I had prevented a suicide. They simply picked up their child, left the spit and cracker where they lay, and started to question her about barnyard animals they claimed she could mimic. 

She was pretty good! 

Anyway, if you like saving lives and being around wet crackers and hearing OK animal impersonations, it might be worth your time. Otherwise, just accept their flakeyness for what it is, a heads up that they have had to adjust their priorities.