I have babysat. 

True story: the last time I was entrusted to babysit a child he was my 5-year-old cousin, it was after school for about 90 minutes, and I fell asleep for a full hour. When the adults returned, he told everyone that we were pretending to take naps as a game. He's a real trooper.

You know why I told you that story? Because that is most babysitters: a teen who is hired because they are old enough to operate a phone in the event of an emergency.

But these days, any kid over 4 can operate a phone, so why not just leave your kid home alone with a phone?

To create jobs, that’s why. We have to create jobs, it’s a moral imperative. Create enough jobs and the sky’s the limit for this great nation. So now you’ve created a job, but who should fill it?

Teens

Remember what I just said about my babysitting experience? I am technically an experienced babysitter now, and since I babysat for a family member, you can even call my references and they won’t rat me out because they love me. This human weakness, love, is what makes everyone untrustworthy. No matter who your potential teen babysitter is SOMEBODY loves them and is willing to lie for them. So let’s eliminate teens, the most annoying age group of all, from this equation, since the only thing keeping most teens from being killed is the stupid love of their dumb parents. 

Most teens are basically raccoons. They're largely nocturnal, they look OK until you approach them, and all their favorite things are trash. Don't give your baby to a raccoon. 

Old People

Now we’re getting somewhere. Do you know good for nothing old people who lack purpose? I’m not talking about Congress here (get it?);  I mean real, regular, boring old people, not those that are being sustained by a pact with Satan (Congress). 

You probably figure you know some old people who raised kids, why not just get them to do it some more? Well, for one they’re old now so they don’t know how anything works and they’re tired all the time. For a third thing, haven’t they given you enough? 20-something years of meals and laundry and lying to people so you could get a babysitting job in your teens and now you ask more? Just let them rest, for God’s sake. 

Other Unemployed or Unemployable Persons

Maybe you’d like to rely on someone who is an adult but is not biologically a family member. Teens are young and likely to make mistakes as they learn. You parents are idiots and likely to make the same mistakes they made with you. Let’s take a look at some of the most eligible unemployed and unemployable people not working today:

Wow. That is an incredibly mixed bag. But do any of them have babysitting experience? That you would count as positive? OK, let’s just figure you don’t have their phone numbers anyway.

Professional Nannies

Are too expensive, you can’t afford it. Moving on...

Animals

 One time I met a dog who saw my baby, maintained a respectful distance, and whined whenever she was out of sight.

Pretty good!

So that sums it up, get yourself a handsome dog who will make a loud noise if he can’t see your baby.