What About Parental Leave?

We’re in the real nitty-gritty of parenting here: if you’re not getting time off work to parent, then what is the point of parenting? 

Speaking from my own personal experience, I can assure you, dear reader, that this is among the primary reasons to have a child. I am an adult, and being an adult comes with certain expectations. I am expected to have a job. I am expected to be productive at my job. I am expected to be so incredibly productive that I burn out at my job. Then I am expected to take a brief vacation (NOT THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF VACATION ALLOWED BY MY EMPLOYER!). 

Those are most of the expectations put upon an adult by their coworkers and bosses. Here are the expectations I put upon myself. 

I am expected to have an income. I am expected to give those that pay me the strong impression that I am deserving of their money. I am expected to get some time off whenever possible (and as much as possible).  

Now. How can these two sets of expectations coexist? First, an anecdote.

Did you know that according to an article I read once and can no longer find Japanese businessmen are expected to work so hard that they become exhausted and fall asleep at their desks? Apparently, it is good form to take naps during the day, because the implication is that you have been working so hard and so late, that you get no sleep.

Have you put it together yet? By having a child, I will become so plausibly exhausted, that I can nap at work and I will be rewarded with a vacation.  It’s so obvious that I’m shocked I hadn’t thought of it earlier.

You might be thinking, “this is a stupid plan.” Well, every brilliant plan sounds stupid when you think about it!

“Hey, we can’t get inside the city walls, so we, a group of soldiers untrained in the art of woodworking, will construct a wooden horse so beautiful that our enemies will bring it inside to just, like, look at it, I guess. Then we’ll jump out of it and murder them!” That is a stupid plan. 

“Hey, let’s get in basically a grain silo and then make figure out how to cause a minutes-long explosion under it. That’ll probably shoot us to the moon, where there’s no food and air!” Stupid plan. 

”Hey, let’s get delivery from a different Chinese place tonight!” So stupid. There are no good Chinese places that deliver to you, only the one that doesn’t make you sick.

If you work in an office, your company will probably give you time off work just for having a baby. And when you get back the expectation is that you will be exhausted, so all you have to do is mess things up and say “sorry” and people will cover for you. You know how there’s always one really charming person who everyone just likes and they get away with everything? Well, that’s you now, except you’re not charming. People just imagine you staying up late with your kid and they think that’s probably pretty charming.

But, you say, what about the part where you actually are exhausted and can barely function? That’s the beauty part, if anyone accuses you of slacking off you can, in all honesty, tell them that you are exhausted at a level that you never thought was possible, and you know that there is no end in sight for upwards of 20 years and you guess you’ll just muddle through. Look at your parents, do you have super high expectations of them? Do you really think they’re going to figure out the difference between texts and emails? Do they know they can just throw out that VCR?! Do they say things like "getting jiggy with it" with a wry smile, like, 'I know all the hip lingo these days'?!! Of course! They’re still so tired from your childhood that they can get away with anything!