Once you have a baby, you suddenly start asking yourself a lot of questions you’d never considered before. What does my baby know? When will she talk? When will she roll over on me and start cooperating with the Feds?

Hilarious.

No, of course I’m referring to rolling over from front to back or vice versa. It can be frustrating to go out to the park and see all the other babies rolling back forth as if they’re trying to put out a fire on their clothes while your own little one lays still and looks up at the sky like an idiot. So let’s get a few tips on how to help while you’re waiting for your baby to accomplish the first in a long series of useless milestones.

Be Patient

When you’re waiting for a baby to do anything, it’s best to stay calm. Babies work at their own pace whether the task is teething, talking, rolling over, or screaming until they’re tired enough that they can suddenly, finally drop into a frighteningly deep sleep from which you fear they’ll never awaken.  Bearing this in mind, make sure you don’t start yelling at your baby to roll over right away, start by saying something motivating and positive like, “your cousin had already rolled over by this age, isn’t he amazing?” This will subtly let your baby know that anything is possible for their cousin, and that life is a competition even when it doesn’t seem like that makes sense.

Be Somewhat Less Patient

Starting in the fourth month, it’s appropriate to start pushing a little harder. Say things like, “What is taking so long?” or “What is wrong with you?” Your baby will understand from your tone of voice that she is under scrutiny, and nothing helps a baby to achieve like pressure and stress. Think back to your earliest memory, it’s probably of some adult exerting pressure on you. Won’t it be fun to know that one day your baby will look back and see the concern lines gouging their way into your forehead as you hold your breath nod your head slightly to one side?

Lose It

If you’re heading into month 6 and your baby has CHOSEN not to roll over yet, it’s time to get serious. Lay next to your baby on the floor of your home and roll back and forth over and over again. Every time you roll say out loud how much fun you’re having. Laugh and sing songs about what a thrill it is to be on your back and then find yourself on your stomach. Gibber over the return trip. Lead your baby to believe that she is missing out on life’s greatest joy because she won’t do the thing the book said she should be doing by now. If someone walks in, make them join you. If they resist, tell them that they are setting a bad example for the baby.

Forget It

At this time, you’ve done all you can short of rolling your baby down a hill to get them used to the feeling. It’s best to resign yourself to the hard truth; your baby is dumb. Get ready for a life of putting B-’s on the fridge, because that’s the absolute best you can expect. Babies who don’t roll are statistically 77% more likely to invest in Amway than babies who roll. No baby who didn’t roll has ever achieved a Presidential Physical Fitness Award. Mediocrity is the name of the game. And guess what; it’s either your genes or your parenting that did it. Congrats.

To all those parents whose babies did roll over as a result of this guide, Congrats! Clear out the pictures of your other family members, because this baby is going to be photogenic! Babies who roll over on time or early are 96% more likely to invent Facebook! Every baby who has rolled over on time or early has become President of the United States!