How to Potty Train a Toddler: A Complete Guide
Potty Training and Your Toddler: How, Why, and Wee
Photo by Jerry Wang on Unsplash
To this point in your time as a parent, you’ve been doing the dirty work directly, and it’s been OK. In many ways, diaper changing is a geologically paced process, like standing atop an ice shelf as it slowly breaks loose from a glacier and cascades violently into the ocean below, where you are eaten by Killer Whales.
Your infant had tiny poops and big poops, but they didn’t stink. Your baby had regular poops, but they were pretty contained once you started buying the right sized diapers. Your toddler might save up a poop all day at daycare and then blast it into their pull-up like pouring a gallon of spoiled milk into a beach towel. You have got to get that shit under water and into the pipes as soon as possible. Let’s talk about how to make it happen.
Understanding Your Toddler's Position at the Negotiating Table
Your toddler loves to poop in their pants, and nobody understands why. When it’s happening they want to hide and still maintain eye contact. They know it’s gross, but they want you to be in the shit with them. You cannot let them drag you down to their level any longer.
Your toddler, let’s call him or her Armond, knows that you want this horrible ritual to end. Armond can see that you’re desperate to make this thing happen. You could contend that the reason Armond won’t just go into the bathroom and pee and poop like everyone else is that he knows he has leverage and he wants to squeeze you for all your worth. You could make that contention.
And I do, that’s what’s happening. Armond has very little say in what goes on in his life, does he pick out his clothes? Who decides his haircut? Who picks his food? Who makes his schedule? If the answer to any of these things is “I don’t know, him I guess?” then you should stop reading this article immediately and apologize to Armond because you are blowing it.
So how do we get Armond to stop lording this power over you and just do the thing that we’ve all decided is normal (sit on a porcelain stool and drop all your poop into an elaborate system of pipes so it can hang out with everyone else’s poop and then get filtered out so we can REDRINK THE WATER and then dry all the poop out so you can use it ON FARMS WHERE IT BECOMES FOOD YOU EAT. IT’S WEIRD!") like everyone else?
Potty Training Methods: The Three Schools of Thought
If we had to come up with 3 schools of thought, which I guess I do…
Bribery - Just give Armond an M&M every time he does it right. Do you feel weird about having him exchange one brown solid for another? Too bad, he loves chocolate.
Coercion - You can warn him that when he gets to kindergarten and poops his pants at school all the kids will laugh and stop wanting to be his friend. Too dark? These are dark times, friend, and holding to your morals at a time like this will only result in defeat.
Don’t wear pants all weekend - Someone told me this is the way to go, just stay home for a whole weekend and don’t every put pants or underwear on them and follow them around with the potty. Then when they start peeing or whatever just really quick stick the potty under their butt and sit them down. We tried it, it didn’t work great, but maybe you have some plans you want to get out of, so this could be a good way to get a weekend at home.
What to Do When They Just… Won't
Oh boy, did I mention bribery? My son (let’s call him Armond) had absolutely no interest in potty training. Didn’t even pay attention when we talked about it. So how did we do it?
M&Ms. I wish I had better advice for you, but the truth is that nobody would use the potty if they had regular non-stigmatized access to diapers.
What to Do When Your Toddler is Backliding on Potty Training
My daughter (let’s call her Armond) actually potty trained pretty easily! We did the thing where we followed her around with the potty all weekend while she had no pants, she got it, it went great. She was potty trained for almost a week.
Then we received a well-intentioned gift from a relative.
Do not buy this book.
Armond, a bright young lady, sweet and kind and smart, heard the song this book sang to her and she loved it. She would walk around house humming its jaunty tune. She would sing it to me as we played together. But the message of the song sent her to a dark place.
“If you have to potty, stop and go right away.”
Daniel Tiger implored her. Please, stop what you are doing and go potty immediately and without delay.
I presume that at this point you understand what poor little Armond’s mind had misunderstood about the song. Unfortunately for us, it was weeks before we grasped what had happened. After a month of wet pants and frustrated crying (mine) I found her underneath the dining room table in a puddle. “Armond, what is going on, you used use the toilet just fine, what happened?”
“But the song says, ‘when you have to go potty, stop and go right away’.”
My little Armond, can’t you see? Daniel Tiger simply means that you should run to the nearest toilet and go potty there, in the appropriate vessel. We explained this to her, hid the book, and it’s been pretty OK since then (Armond pooped her pants in anger one time, but I honestly respected the move too much to criticize it).
A Note on Timelines (Ignore All Timelines)
It’s not up to you, it’s up to Armond. Here’s the real tip, send them to Pre-K and let the teachers there sort it out. Is that wrong? Is this one of those “the waiter is paid to clean up my horrible mess” type takes? Yes. But you are a desperate parent and you need a professional hostage negotiator. You are outmatched and the only shame would be to refuse to admit it.
