The Summertime Guide to Limiting Screen Time
Photo by Nils Huenerfuerst on Unsplash
Your kids have been staring at the TV all winter, they’re totally glued to the screen, some regular couch potatoes, a couple of Joe Six-Pack (Capri Suns). They suck now, just total bummers. Where’s the fun? Where’s the joy? Where’s the grass-stained knees and pockets full of worms? Why aren’t they flattening quarters on the train tracks and defacing businesses like we used to when we were kids? Why don’t they ride their bikes to the principal’s house and just stand there, perfectly still, staring at the door waiting…? BORING!
The trouble is, obviously, TV and tablets. You’re doing fine. It was the only way to keep the peace in the winter. THEY HATE BOOKS! That’s not your fault! If books wanted to kids to like them, they’d have fun stories and characters and delightful. little pictures. TV has noise, you can’t compete with that, books! You idiot!
First, Understand What Screen Time Actually Is (It's Screens. And Time.)
Yeah, OK. Pretty self-explanatory, but I have space to fill. Screen time was invented in 1800 by John Screens, upon his marriage to Mabel Time, the heiress to the lucrative Time/Life fortune. At first, screen time was just sitting in front of an iron mesh and forcing soft things like ripe avocados through it to make paste. This grammatical usage has since been supplanted by the current meaning: looking at something that dogs can’t see, to make them think you’ve gone insane.
I’m being told dogs CAN see TV, but how amazing would it be if they couldn’t? So, you’re a dog, and your person comes home from work. This is your most loved being on Earth; your safety net, food source, and foster parent all rolled into one. And you say hello with a wagging tail, get scritches and then your living god sits and stare at a blank rectangle that emits music and voices for like, 5 hours. Then goes to bed. Truly the masters of this canine world can perceive realms beyond your ken, but you mustn’t question them ever, or the blessing of their countenance could turn away from you for all time.
Anyway, they can see it. So nevermind.
Step One: Establish a Screen Time Budget
What were we talking about? Getting your soft-brained children to stop staring at the TV. So yeah, you’ll want to set up a budget for screen time. I’m thinking it’s got to be less than, say…10 hours? Any more than that and they won’t have time to eat or use the bathroom before it’s bed time.
At that rate it should take them about 2 days to watch all of Bluey, so you can probably just loop that for the summer and they’ll be alright.
But what about the other 4 hours of the day where they’re not sleeping?
Why Outdoor Time Is a Great Idea in Theory
Have you BEEN outside? Think about this: we had to INVENT a new thing called inside to get away from it. They didn’t used to have inside. The first humans were just outside all the time and at the earliest convenience, they figured out a way to stop being outside. Had to make it up from scratch.
We really take inside for granted these days, let’s start teaching our kids to count their blessings, ok?
How To Administer Bedtime During the Summertime
So let’s say it’s 11PM and your five-year-old has just finished watching his allotted 10 hours of Bluey. It’s time for bed. He (let’s call him Benedict) starts screaming at you. He hates this idea. You don’t want to be a bad parent (if a child cries it means you’re a bad parent. That’s the rule, they must be neutral or happy at all times), so what do you do? Well, you can do what I do. Slowly lower the volume one knotch at a time over the course of 3 hours until Benedict falls asleep. Then you can carry his sleeping form up to his bed and turn on his white noise, his sleepy-time music, his overhead fan, and his various nightlights. HE MUST NEVER BE IN THE DARK OR QUIET! We don’t know what happens if a child is left in a quiet dark room, and we must never find out. Please, do not allow the chain to be broken!
Congratulations: You've Addressed This!
They have a screentime limit, you have a philosophical/religious exemption from going outside, and you have a foolproof bedtime routine. This summer is going to be a breeze*!
*This is only a metaphor. Do not go outside to experience a breeze.
