Tips for Pregnancy

My wife and I recently discovered that we’re going to have a baby. I assume that you are now either genuinely excited for us, or faking it, and thanks either way. I’ve learned a few things about pregnancy, some might say I’ve become an expert. I myself am not pregnant, and have no plans to become pregnant, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in my life as a white guy, it’s that you don’t need to do something to tell other people how to do it.

Pregnancy Buying Guide: Harps.

If you’re reading this, I assume it’s because you Googled something like “I’m going to have a baby, what do I do?”  Well, first of all, you don’t have to Google in complete sentences, you can just say like, “baby tips” and it’ll be tips on having a baby, not how to prepare steak tips for babies. Steak tips are adult food. I’m an expert.

So here they are, tips for you about what pregnancy is and how to deal with it!

What is a baby? 

Well, this is an easy one. A baby is a tiny, reclusive person who lives inside of a woman and only communicates through chemical signals, like a bee. You can speak directly to the baby, but it won’t answer with words, just kicks and feelings of nausea. I, myself, only hear about these things second hand, but I’ve come to learn that babies are often nocturnal, and that they are comforted by the tight, hugging feeling they get from the gut contractions that we non-babies call “dry-heaving.”

On a psychological level, a baby, like a fraternity brother, derives pleasure from making others vomit. 

Isn’t it not a baby until it’s born? 

Listen, that’s pretty heavy stuff and I’m not getting into that here.  

Come on, be brave. Have an opinion. 

Nope. 

Please? 

Great question! Yes, as the partner of a baby-having person, it is my job to keep her pleased in many ways. 

This may come as a shock, but I am not perfect, and I have been known to leave unfolded blankets on the couch in my home. Yes, these are blankets that I placed over my own body and then left out in the open for any passers-by to see and exclaim, “I do declare!” Before they themselves pass out on the couch.  

So I’m working on that. 

Also, sometimes the woman who carries the baby will say to me, “Please stop shooting Nerf darts at me.” And I will say, “The clip is empty, anyway.” And then we will work together to clean up the Nerf darts. This kind of teamwork makes sure that when we finally do become parents, we will be used to teamwork.

🐿 

I accidentally typed a squirrel, but I’m leaving it. 

What is the most important thing to know about pregnancy? 

Pregnancy happens to women. If you are a man, it won’t happen to you. It is non-contagious. No matter how much time you spend with a pregnant woman, you will not become pregnant. Even if she sneezes on your while you’re eating her unfinished dinner, you will not contract pregnancy. I have been assured of this by the most prestigious doctors in Los Angeles. 

What’s the best way to prepare for the baby’s arrival? 

Every morning you must lay out a clean towel on the floor of your rec room. That’s it!  

How to combat the negative effects of pregnancy? 

It’s true, there are negative aspects to pregnancy. In my experience, it’s best to just close your eyes and wait for them to be over. My wife, the woman who carries the baby in my house, will sometimes announce that she is experiencing one of the negative effects of pregnancy, and make it explicitly clear to me that I am do nothing and to say nothing and to alter my behavior in no way and to pretend like nothing is happening at all.  

I am good at this job. 

Other times, my wife will experience one of the negative effects of pregnancy and say to me, “I need a glass of water and a blanket and some tortilla chips and open the window and turn the heat on and turn the TV down but put the subtitles on and get me my glasses.” And I will say, “Don’t you wish I had left the blanket out and unfolded?” And then I am killed. 

How do you deal with the gnawing fear that something might go wrong and you are going to have make a decision about the life of another person who has no personal agency and is completely dependent on you to do the right thing?

Well, that’s it for this guide to pregnancy, thanks for reading!